The Season for... Discipline.

September & October… and maybe November… definitely December…  Okay, the “ber” months, are the season for discipline.  It’s the time when time matters, and if I want my priorities to actually be priorities… I have to do something about it.  So here are my 5 main disciplines that I am putting into practice in the coming weeks and months.

Discipline #1

I have joined a Bible study.  What a blessing this is!  I cannot say enough good things about it.  We have a book study on Galatians, and spend a lot of time talking about the gospel and how we are living it out.  It’s challenging, thought provoking, and prayerful.

Who is in this study? 6 women who challenge me greatly!!

• 2 parents in our community.  One was a substitute teacher last year for our school.   She and her husband (and 2 older boys) have lived in China for over a decade.  Another parent of a high schooler is in the study.  She helps with P.E. classes and often volunteers to help me with bulletin boards around campus, among many other things she does to help our school.
• A good friend who teaches at the school.  She thinks hard and has lots of wise words…and sometimes wise cracks….  Do people still use that phrase? She’s awesome at what she does at our school, and she’s an awesome friend.  She has been here for over 3 years now.
• Another woman who is an American MK, born and lived in Japan.  She’s married to a Filipino man (the one I went with on Spring Trips to the Yunnan Province). She and her husband (and 2 young ones) have been here over 5 years.
• One of my co-workers, who is also my prayer partner and one of my best friends here in Qingdao.  Her and her husband (and 3 kids) have lived in China for over 5 years now as well.
• A young mom who is finding her place in Qingdao. Her and her husband (and 2 little ones) have lived here for over 8 years, and she thrives off of strong, deep God-honoring relationships.

Discipline #2

I am spending intentional time with my husband.  After 3 solid trips of being away for 2-4 days at a time, it’s nice to re-connect.  We’ve been taking dates, walks to the beach, and alone time at home to talk and enjoy one another.  This takes discipline in setting the time, setting the tone, and allowing each other to be open and honest.  It’s been a great time!!! I love him!

Discipline #3

I have joined a yoga class.  I know there are many mixed feelings out there about Christians doing yoga.  However, I know my teacher is a C, I know the motives that she has in teaching yoga, and I know my heart and conscience is cleared as I have thought and prayed about this.  The class does not include any chanting or meditation, but rather, the quiet time is great for prayer and to clear my head of work and worry.  I have also invested a bit of money into this.  Each class is 30 kuai… which is quite a steal at 5 US dollars! But putting even a tiny bit of money into it makes me want to accomplish the goal of getting fit.  This has allowed me the drive to also start running again.  Not full swing or anything, but I’m getting there.  I have found that my time doing yoga has very been rewarding:

• I am spending an hour with a few people who I’ve wanted to get to know better
• I am supporting a C Chinese woman with experience and money
• I am able to hear Chinese for an entire hour
• I am able to stretch and exercise in a way that is very challenging
• By the end of the night, I am extremely relaxed

Discipline #4

I am studying Chinese again.  My Chinese classes are on Monday afternoons and Tuesday mornings.  This forces me to do two main things: 1). actually study and do homework on Monday night and 2). to study several hours between Tuesday and Sunday.  I am improving on my grammar.  It’s slow and steady, but I’d rather it be that way than moving on to more difficult things before I am ready.  I’m beginning to read characters… for those of you who are wondering how I do that…. Or how anyone does that… it’s pure memorization.  It’s said that you’d need to know 3000 characters to read a newspaper.  3,000 characters memorized—yeah, that will take a while.  But I’m making a small dent, every week. 

Discipline #5

I am reading for fun again.  Western restaurants often carry English books, and loan them out like a library, because they aren’t readily available in bookstores.  At our favorite western place, I browsed the books this week and picked up “Dirt Music” by Tim Winton.  It’s an Australian novel about a middle-aged woman who is stuck in a rut, and some “new element” enters her life.  I have no idea where this book will lead.  All I know is that the first chapter held my attention, and I already want to know more about the main character.  If an author can get me through the first chapter wanting more, than it’s worth the read.

These are the disciplines that have mattered to me most, in my times of travel, in my times of planning, and in my times of stress that can easily accumulate through work.  More disciplines come and go with seasons, but for this “ber” season, these are my 5,  What disciplines are your pursuing?

Window Blind

Writer's club is back with a vengeance, minus 2 key players, but with 2 new additions.  

I walked into writer's club with an agenda this evening.  I knew what I wanted to write, but I didn't know what part of the story was going to come out.   But now I know in part.  Because tonight, I wrote an ending to a new short story.  I'll be writing this story backwards (one of my favorite ways to write), so stay tuned to see the events unravel before your very eyes (in reverse, of course.  And if I stay interested enough to keep the story rolling).

The title of the story is "Window Blind" that I admittedly stole from a beloved Denise Levertov poem.  I would like to create strong imagery of light and windows throughout the entire story, along with multiple metaphors relating to love and relationships.   

Window Blind (The Ending)

A cool breeze from the bedroom window stroked Michael’s face, interrupting his dreams and waking him to a better reality.  Without moving, he could feel Elizabeth lying next to him; her long brown hair sprawled around the white pillowcase.  The breeze had not awakened her, and Michael was careful to do the same.  His feet retreated to the soft carpet below, although his eyes never left her face.  The large satin curtains began to twirl in the wind, now strong enough to whistle through the shades.  He carefully closed the window, allowing the first day’s light to enter without the chilling October breeze disrupting Liz’s sleep.

He slowly walked down the few stairs and into the kitchen.  The small room was only slightly lit by the dawn light reaching through the window blinds.  The rays danced through the glass vase holding the roses he gave Elizabeth the evening prior.  He gave a full grin in the flowers’ direction; they laid perfectly still side-by-side, beautiful and serene. 

It was then that his eyes caught the yellow legal paper waiting for him on the kitchen table, tucked away in a corner of the small room.  The leaky pen Liz used still sat next to its paper counterpart. The written words were small but filled Michael’s heart with more hope than he has had in years.

He read what he imagined to be the softest of spoken words, but written in an even gentler way, “You smiled and talked to me of nothing, and I felt that for this, I had been waiting long.”

A Vulnerable Place

(I don’t know who reads my blog… My parents…. And a handful of friends?  This is maybe one of the most vulnerable posts I can share at this point.  Even as I type this, I doubt if I should post my words.  I suppose it’s another stepping stone to having the accountability and prayers that I need).

My music choice lately has been Jars of Clay.  Although their style and facial hair has changed with nearly every album and definitely with every decade, they have always had lyrics that somehow work its way to separate joint and marrow.  The lyrics to the song, “Sinking,” has been in my heart for many months now. 

You see that I can play a pretty convincing role,

So I don't need You, I don't think I need You.

But you see through my forever lies,

And you are not believing.

And I see in your forever eyes,

That you are forever healing.

God has been teaching me about my own pride and sin, through the mask of insecurity.  Insecurity, I’m learning, can come in many forms.  So many forms, actually, that I’m daily fighting a battle even when I don’t exactly know what I’m fighting. 

I recently began reading Beth Moore’s book on insecurity.  Never in my life had I considered myself an insecure person, but clearly, as I read this book, I may be one of the most insecure people I know.  Moore often says things that no one has said to me before— calling me out in my sin instead of cleaning it up and calling it something else.  I never wanted to hear these things, but God has spoken loud and clear that this is something to be worked through during this time.

Here are a few quotes to let you know what I mean…

“We use men like mirrors to see if we’re valuable. Beautiful. Desirable. Worthy of notice.”

“Often when a situation warrants a minor case of injured feelings, I tend to respond with a classic case of devastation.”

“I’m forever wanting to go someplace with God.  I forget that in order to really want to go, something has to happen to make me want to leave where I am.”

“Insecurity is… a deep uncertainty about whether your own feelings and desires are legitimate.”

“Insecurity lives in constant terror of loss.  Insecure people are always afraid that something or somebody is going to be taken from them.”

“The need to be considered the greatest is always rooted in the gnawing fear that we’re not.”

“Most women find a tremendous amount of security in sameness”

“At the root of chronic insecurity is often the primal fear that no one will take care of us.”

“Perfection is insecurity in an art form. It never looks prettier and never acts deadlier… Perfectionists’ thinking takes them on a roller coaster between feeling horribly inadequate and bad about themselves, and then, when things are going well, feeling proud to be so good.  Low self esteem and pride coexist in the same heart.”

I am learning how sinful my heart is.  I’m learning how insecure I am.  And I'm realizing that I am extremely insecure in my job performance.  It’s tricky.  You see, my love language is “Words of Affirmation.”  So, at what point do other people’s comments about me and my work matter, in order to create a loving atmosphere, and at what point is it an idol in my life.  It’s a very, very fine line.

Now, I’ve been here long enough now to know that sometimes things just happen… sometimes it just doesn’t work out… plans get changed… the hotel doesn’t work out… people move away…  whatever the case, I am a much more flexible person than ever before.  However, learning to be flexible is not the same as learning not to be a perfectionist.

This weekend at the Girls High School Fall Camp is an example of what God is doing in my heart.  I’ll spare you the dramatic details.  The basic idea is that the seniors had a great opportunity to lead, and unfortunately their hearts and their attitudes were not there.  And they blamed me.   I’m new.  I have new ideas.  They don’t know me.  They don’t trust me.  They don’t want to do what I say.  In their minds, they don't have to respect me.  In their words, they don’t respect me.  And although this is clearly their heart issue, I am left, somehow feeling inadequate, upset, and betrayed. 

A friend of mine has also recently picked up Moore’s book, and was reading it on her kindle on the way home from work.  She looked over at me with her large smile and happy heart, “Aren’t you just enjoying this book?!”  I smile back, with all of my tiredness and pain readily on my sleeve for her to see, “You know, it’s just really hard.  With everything that happened this weekend, I’m just so dry.  I tried reading last night, and couldn’t get anything from it.  I just need to receive something from the Lord, and I’m so dry…”

As my friend thinks about how the weekend’s events have affected my idea of performance and perfection …and insecurity and pride…. She lovingly states, “How great is it that God is using a real life example to teach you these things.”

My response?   “I know that’s what he is doing.  But it’s very painful.”

So, as I sit here tonight, and firmly believe in a God who is “forever healing,” I do not want to be the one who shouts, “I don’t need you” because I somehow think I’m strong enough, or want to be strong enough.  

Instead, I want to be the one at his feet, saying “It’s not for me.  It’s all for you.”

Fanny Packs & Gambling

I am currently on the student council retreat in Changzhou (Ch-ahng-Jo), which is a 2 hour drive away from Shanghai.  This is a 3-day retreat for the students to learn leadership skills and to grow in unity. You can read about last year’s retreat here.  This year, I have already noticed some amazing things about our students and their leadership styles.  However, I have also learned 2 important lessons about culture:

Lesson Number One: Intentions & Appearances Can Be Interpreted Differently From One Culture To Another

As we were waiting for other ISC schools to arrive at the Shanghai Hongqiao airport, we sat at a large booth at KFC for about 4 hours.  The 8 of us set our luggage aside, cleared the table, and set out a deck of cards.  We had just gotten off a plane and the students were ready for some games and interaction.  Damian mentions to me that we should order some food or drinks while we wait, so I get out 400 kuai (about 65 dollars) on the table. 

We start the discussion of which student will order for everyone and we remind them to get receipts.  Just as our conversation completes, a KFC waitress comes by, looks at us and the table and says that we can’t play cards.  We were confused, and asked what she meant.  She clarified that she meant gambling (This is all in Chinese, of course).  The students were confused.  I was confused.  We all looked at each other to try to understand.   Then we look down. At the table.  With cards.  And 400 kuai.   We all laugh nervously and explain that we are about to buy food at KFC, and then play cards.  No gambling.  She smiled and walked away, although she did keep a close eye on us throughout the 4 hours.  Rightly so, though, because our team was quite loud playing Egyptian Ratscew. 

Lesson Number Two: The Same Word in Two Different Cultures Can Mean Completely Different Things

In one activity, the student councilors received about 5 or 7 small items in a bag. Their goal was to create a product and come up with a sales pitch.  With the colored paper, buttons, and string, they created a woman’s handbag. 

In the naming-the-product conversation, the idea of a fanny pack arose, to which Damian’s face turned bright red.  Him and I started laughing (I have know that “fanny” isn’t the best choice of words around him for a while now).  The students didn’t know why we were laughing, so after some prompting, and more blushing, Damian explains, “In Australia, and Britain, and South Africa, we don’t call …a fanny …it’s…not something you have on your backside.  It’s actually…  a frontside.   Of a female.”  Nervous laughter ensued, and the topic quickly changed.

These humorous experiences happen daily as I experience cross-cultural ideals in nearly every interaction.  What an awesome blessing to have these experiences (as funny or embarrassing as they may be), to understand the people and the world around me. 

The Start of a New Year

Much has happened since I’ve last written.  Summer has left us, and the school year has returned with a swinging vengeance.  The last week has been meetings at school, getting my office cleaned up, and getting my act together.  Along with the second year of doing anything, comes corrected expectations and knowledge of what is to come.   

So, what is to come?  Well to name a few, here’s what happening…

•  Student led IT conference at the school
• PTO Welcome Picnic
• Color Day
• Hat Day
• Student Council Retreat (in Wuxi)
• Overnight High School Girls Fall Retreat (Nearby)
• Training for Student Services (in Tianjin)
• VIDA spiritual retreat for High School students (Nearby)
• Global Village Day 

...All Before October!

Can I do this?   I did it last year while dog paddling through Chinese culture and making friends… So, yes, I’m excited to do it now, after having some experience under my belt and some amazing friends to support me and pray with me.

First, what is on my heart, is the student council.   These are an amazing 11 students who do leadership in almost everyone of these previously listed events.  We will have a meeting Wednesday afternoon, to open up some discussion about leadership and what they’d like to accomplish this year.  

The meeting will begin with a video about “The Single Story,” which I have previously mentioned in my blog.   This year, for these 11 students on student council, it would be a mistake to “single story” anyone in our school—it would prevent relationships and cause divisions.  It would be a mistake for them to “single story” anyone else on the student council team—it would greatly affect their leadership and ability to work with one another.  It would be a mistake to “single story” themselves—they would struggle to see their worth in Christ and their ability to lead and minister to others.

Be in prayer with me for these 11 students.  They have a lot of work ahead of them, and I am excited to get to know them, encourage them, and serve alongside them.

• Andrew – USA - President
• Sarah – USA - VP
• Sara – Korea - Secretary
• John – Korea - Treasurer
• Eric – Korea – Chaplain
• Jina – USA - Chaplain
• Eddie - Korea - 12th grade rep
• Jane – USA – 11^th grade rep
• Stephanie – USA – 10^th grade rep
• Kevin – Korea – 9^th grade rep
• Jessy – Korea – 9^th grade rep