Living with Integrity

Have you ever felt a love for someone you’ve never met?   

Ever shed a tear for a little girl half way around the world?

Have you ever prayed for even a small piece of the integrity you will need to live each moment of your day?

Have you ever felt so inadequate, and yet, so thankful to have an opportunity to make a difference?

These are only a few thoughts and prayers flowing through my mind and heart today.  I have not realized until this moment, that when I arrive in Qingdao, I am on, 24-7.  There is no 9-5 job… It’s an all day living.  

How I act and how I react—how I speak and how I listen—how I receive and perceive.

This is a lot of responsibly.  And I do not take it lightly.   I am so thankful that I have Him to guide me.

Orientation has been helpful in many ways, but especially in building up our team.  This is our group picture for those going to Qingdao (8 new staff, the head principal in back and his wife on the right (been in China for 16 years), and a 5th grade teacher on the far left and his wife and children on the far right (also been in China for 16 years).

Currently Reading: The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls (2005)

Now that we are out of our apartment, all packed up, and done with work, I need something to keep my mind occupied.  I found The Glass Castle in the room we are staying at my in-laws house.  I always judge a book by its cover, so if it looks interesting, it usually is.   I picked this Memoir out of a few books laying around, immediately read the back cover, flipped through the first chapter, and since then I’ve been hooked. 

Jeannette Walls grew up homeless with her 3 siblings and parents.  Her father was an alcoholic and mother was a free-spirited artist.  Most of the book tracks her childhood adventures.  Currently, I’m in the chapters during her teen years, where she begins to realize being homeless is not an adventure anymore, but a dangerous and destructive lifestyle.  Her family (especially her siblings) watch out for each other and make the best of any situation.

Here’s an excerpt from the book describing a Christmas evening.  Mom and kids saved up pennies to provide gifts for each other, but the Christmas did not go as planned:

Mom gave Dad one of his presents, a brass cigarette lighter from the nineteen twenties in the shape of a Scottish terrier.  Dad flicked it a couple times, swaying back and forth; then he held it up to the light and studied it.

            “Let’s really light up this Christmas,” Dad said and thrust the lighter into the Douglas fir.  The dried-out needles caught fire immediately.  Flames leaped through the branches with a crackling noise.  Christmas ornaments exploded from the heat.

            For a few moments, were too stunned to do anything.  Mom called for blankets and water.  We were able to put the fire out, but only by knocking down the tree, smashing most of the ornaments and ruining all our presents.  Dad sat on the sofa the whole time, laughing and telling Mom that he was doing her a favor.

            Once the fire was out and the sodden, burned tree lay smoldering on the floor, we all just stood there.  No one tried to wring Dad’s neck or yell at him or even point out that he’d ruined the Christmas his family had spent weeks planning—the Christmas that was supposed to be the best we’d ever had.  When Dad went crazy, we all had our own ways of shutting down and closing off, and that was what we did that night.

Seasons

The last day of a job marks the end of a season.  It’s the space between “before and after,” “have and have not,” and a little bit of “been there, done that.”  Saying goodbye is always easier when there is love and support pushing you forward; when they know leaving is going to be better for you.  As I looked in the eyes of some of the patients and said a few kind words as they leave, they complimented me back.  It warms my heart to know I was welcoming and exuded patience when most needed.  This is not easily done every day, and most importantly, not something I could do on my own.  And I thank Him for that.

Now, I turn my heart and attention to what is to come.  The myriad of unknowns is slowly forming a picture, although right now, it’s more like a puzzle missing the important pieces.  I trust that these pieces will come together, and have no doubt this is the direction He wants us to follow.

In more concrete terms, I recently received a basic job description, and it looks like I will be kept busy and challenged.  I will be involved in many things including planning events and retreats, working with high school student council, tutoring, mentoring, and even teaching P.E. twice a week.   When I responded to my boss about the description, I assured him that I am ready to get my feet wet in anything, but I’m particularly excited about planning events (I love it, although I don’t have too much practice, yet). 

At times, I fear I’m inadequate; fear that I’ll have too much on my plate.  I fear they read the wrong resume and think I can really handle this!  Fears and self-consciousness take over in some moments, something I believe is inevitable for humans.  I’m moving across the world and starting something completely new… who wouldn’t be prone to self-doubt and fear.

But just as this blog began, every job marks a season.  Right now, today, I’m in the season of rest.  Even though it’s a short season, only a few weeks long, He knew this is what I needed before beginning our adventure.  Soon, I will be in a different stage, across the planet! And hopefully, I will again be pushed forward in love and support during this new, exciting season.