A Vulnerable Place

(I don’t know who reads my blog… My parents…. And a handful of friends?  This is maybe one of the most vulnerable posts I can share at this point.  Even as I type this, I doubt if I should post my words.  I suppose it’s another stepping stone to having the accountability and prayers that I need).

My music choice lately has been Jars of Clay.  Although their style and facial hair has changed with nearly every album and definitely with every decade, they have always had lyrics that somehow work its way to separate joint and marrow.  The lyrics to the song, “Sinking,” has been in my heart for many months now. 

You see that I can play a pretty convincing role,

So I don't need You, I don't think I need You.

But you see through my forever lies,

And you are not believing.

And I see in your forever eyes,

That you are forever healing.

God has been teaching me about my own pride and sin, through the mask of insecurity.  Insecurity, I’m learning, can come in many forms.  So many forms, actually, that I’m daily fighting a battle even when I don’t exactly know what I’m fighting. 

I recently began reading Beth Moore’s book on insecurity.  Never in my life had I considered myself an insecure person, but clearly, as I read this book, I may be one of the most insecure people I know.  Moore often says things that no one has said to me before— calling me out in my sin instead of cleaning it up and calling it something else.  I never wanted to hear these things, but God has spoken loud and clear that this is something to be worked through during this time.

Here are a few quotes to let you know what I mean…

“We use men like mirrors to see if we’re valuable. Beautiful. Desirable. Worthy of notice.”

“Often when a situation warrants a minor case of injured feelings, I tend to respond with a classic case of devastation.”

“I’m forever wanting to go someplace with God.  I forget that in order to really want to go, something has to happen to make me want to leave where I am.”

“Insecurity is… a deep uncertainty about whether your own feelings and desires are legitimate.”

“Insecurity lives in constant terror of loss.  Insecure people are always afraid that something or somebody is going to be taken from them.”

“The need to be considered the greatest is always rooted in the gnawing fear that we’re not.”

“Most women find a tremendous amount of security in sameness”

“At the root of chronic insecurity is often the primal fear that no one will take care of us.”

“Perfection is insecurity in an art form. It never looks prettier and never acts deadlier… Perfectionists’ thinking takes them on a roller coaster between feeling horribly inadequate and bad about themselves, and then, when things are going well, feeling proud to be so good.  Low self esteem and pride coexist in the same heart.”

I am learning how sinful my heart is.  I’m learning how insecure I am.  And I'm realizing that I am extremely insecure in my job performance.  It’s tricky.  You see, my love language is “Words of Affirmation.”  So, at what point do other people’s comments about me and my work matter, in order to create a loving atmosphere, and at what point is it an idol in my life.  It’s a very, very fine line.

Now, I’ve been here long enough now to know that sometimes things just happen… sometimes it just doesn’t work out… plans get changed… the hotel doesn’t work out… people move away…  whatever the case, I am a much more flexible person than ever before.  However, learning to be flexible is not the same as learning not to be a perfectionist.

This weekend at the Girls High School Fall Camp is an example of what God is doing in my heart.  I’ll spare you the dramatic details.  The basic idea is that the seniors had a great opportunity to lead, and unfortunately their hearts and their attitudes were not there.  And they blamed me.   I’m new.  I have new ideas.  They don’t know me.  They don’t trust me.  They don’t want to do what I say.  In their minds, they don't have to respect me.  In their words, they don’t respect me.  And although this is clearly their heart issue, I am left, somehow feeling inadequate, upset, and betrayed. 

A friend of mine has also recently picked up Moore’s book, and was reading it on her kindle on the way home from work.  She looked over at me with her large smile and happy heart, “Aren’t you just enjoying this book?!”  I smile back, with all of my tiredness and pain readily on my sleeve for her to see, “You know, it’s just really hard.  With everything that happened this weekend, I’m just so dry.  I tried reading last night, and couldn’t get anything from it.  I just need to receive something from the Lord, and I’m so dry…”

As my friend thinks about how the weekend’s events have affected my idea of performance and perfection …and insecurity and pride…. She lovingly states, “How great is it that God is using a real life example to teach you these things.”

My response?   “I know that’s what he is doing.  But it’s very painful.”

So, as I sit here tonight, and firmly believe in a God who is “forever healing,” I do not want to be the one who shouts, “I don’t need you” because I somehow think I’m strong enough, or want to be strong enough.  

Instead, I want to be the one at his feet, saying “It’s not for me.  It’s all for you.”