Three Years in the Making: How I've Changed

Below is a personal response and reflection after reading the book How People Change by Paul Tripp and Tim Lane.

How People Change seemed to tell the story of the last three years of my life.  When my husband and I first arrived in China, we had a difficult time on a number of levels.  For me, I had great difficulty in my job as a counselor and slowly began to admit feeling incompetent and incredibly insecure.  I fought this notion for the entire first year in China, as I pushed through loving, godly advice and criticism with defensiveness and a personal expectation of perfection (106).  This made my work more difficult and made ministry impossible as I put others’ opinions of me on a high pedestal.  It wasn’t until God humbled me enough to see that the evil inside of me was greater and more dangerous than the evil outside of me (44).  This began a year-long process and painful discovery of my idols and pride.  During this time, God also revealed his holiness, sovereignty, gentleness, and forgiveness.

During our second year in China, God spoke to me in various ways regarding my good deeds that were as filthy rags and my insecurities that were deep-rooted in sin.  One of those ways was through the community of believers around me.  I couldn’t agree more that “living in community pushes us to die to ourselves” (183), since this is exactly what happened as people pursued me with greater love and pushed me closer to the gospel with greater force than any other time in my life.  At the end of this year of growth, our closest friends left the country, and there was some major changes coming for the next year.  In the expatriate community, change is one of the few consistent happenings, and at the end of that year, change proved to be “something God intend[ed] his people to experience together” (170).  We were in this together, for better or worse. There was no hiding from our sin in relationships, incompetency at work, or even our sadness in losing friends.  We grew in Christ as a community, although our community was spreading across the globe.  There are few things that are as equally beautiful and painful as growing in the gospel through community.

In trials, difficulties, and uncomfortable circumstances, God continues to shape me and mold me into what he wants longs for me to be.  Looking back on the difficulty of moving overseas, owning my sin, and placing myself vulnerably into community, I see now that God was “willing to compromise [my] temporal happiness in order to increase [my] Christlikeness” (30).  During this past (third) year in China, God has been continually rooting out my selfishness, specifically with my time and space.  My heart is “easily enticed by comfort” and I sinfully feel that I deserve time to myself (134).  There needs to be room for grace, rest, and Sabbath, but my heart should not consider these things above those God places in front of me.  My flesh wages war on my soul as I make these daily, difficult decisions to follow Christ instead of my desires.  To serve as an example, I am currently praying about getting involved in the local youth group, which would be a great sacrifice to my time, and challenging to do through the little energy I have left at the end of the week.  However, the need is there, and I can think of no better way to starve my flesh and allow Christ to work in my weakness. 

Looking upon the next season of my life, I see that God is shaping me again.  This seems to be a time of preparation for the unknown, for the emotionally draining—a time of war of some sort.  Admittedly, I do not know exactly what this means, although I don’t believe I am looking for a demon behind every bush, so to speak.  Whatever circumstances or trials come over the next year, I want to hold on to the truth that was so beautifully expressed towards the end of How People Change: “Each morning that greets me is full of hope, not because I am successful at what I am doing, or because the people near me appreciate me, or because circumstances are easy, but because God is, and he is my Father. To look at the morning any other way is to believe a lie. To live in hope is to live in truth; To live in truth is to bring him glory; To bring God glory in my daily living is the highest form of worship” (456).  

Am I Interesting Enough?

Below is a short reflection from my class "Helping Relationships."  It's regarding an off-handed comment by the author of the book I’m reading.  

“Ever since I wrote about patients’ stories in a book many years ago, I assumed that new patients consulting me might be wary of being written about.  Hence, I’ve reassured patients about confidentiality and assured them that I’ve never written about patients without first obtaining permission and without using deep identity disguise.  But in time I have observed that patients concerns were quite different—in general they were less concerned with being written about than with not being interesting enough to be selected.”

The Gift of Therapy, Irvin Yalom

In chapter 23, Yalom mentions that his patients desire to be interesting enough to be selected for his writing.  I believe this comment says much about humanity.  People want to be important to someone.  People want their efforts to have been worthwhile, and for their hearts to be remembered.  Expatriates are currently leaving their host countries, the jobs they’ve worked so hard to improve, and the community they have cherished.  Was it all worth it? Did I accomplish anything?  Am I interesting enough to be remembered?  Will the students remember anything I’ve taught them?  Is the community any stronger because I was here?  To some degree, these are very valid and important questions to reflect upon.  It would be unwise to leave your home without remembering the joys and the struggles, and to have hope that it was time well spent. However, these thoughts cannot stay at this level.  As believers, we know that we plant many seeds, and God sows them at the proper time.  We have hope that Christ used us to sanctify others, although we may never know to what extent.  It is a beautiful thing to feel important to others, but it is not the ultimate thing, as we live to please God, not man.

An Overflow

For my class "Helping Relationships" I had to answer the question: Can you think of a specific example of how your relationship with Jesus overflows into daily life?"

Yesterday at work, I was in short supply of patience because of my long to-do list before our high school’s spring trip.  One student was having visa troubles, so I offered to send her a scanned copy of her plane ticket receipt to hopefully speed along the process.  This should be a five-minute job, and I was happy to do it, even though it wasn’t a foreseen issue.  I had given the finance department advance notice to retrieve the receipt, but to my dismay, when I returned to their office later in the morning, it had not been found.  In China, the way to store receipts is to glue them together into a booklet for for efficient storage.  Unfortunately, these plane ticket receipts were glued where the students’ names had been printed.  So, I offered to find the receipt instead.  I sat down and attempted to separate each of the 50 receipts of the booklet in order to locate the names of my students.  My to-do list rang in my head like the morning alarm, or maybe more like a fire alarm.  In addition to my list and the receipt issue was the need to connect with one of the students who was particularly emotional that day.  After fifteen minutes of separating receipts, I found the one I needed, and tried to remove it without tearing it.  This was impossible.  My heart turned ugly fairly quickly towards the Chinese way of storing financial information and then to general Chinese culture.  My thoughts expanded to various other things that I dislike and don’t understand about this country.   I tore the receipt more than I hoped for, which became the last straw to my unraveling patience.

In that moment, my relationship with Jesus saved me from my own anger, impatience, and prejudice.  There were ugly words on the tip of my tongue, of which the Holy Spirit immediately convicted me.  I am incredibly thankful for God’s grace for me as a sinner, and I want to become quicker to apply that grace to those in my life and to the culture around me.  

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Embracing the Necessary

“Cease from what is necessary; embrace that which gives life.”

As I mediate on the first verses of the beatitudes, I come to an internal cycle:  I am not hungering and thirsting for righteousness, because I don’t think that I’m empty.  I’m not completely mourning my sin because I’m blind to much of it.  I’m not poor in spirit because I don’t feel spiritually bankrupt.  I do not have a constant correct picture of God’s holiness, in order to see how sinful I truly am.  I don’t have God’s greatness in mind because I am too focused on myself.  …And then we come to the New Year Resolution time…when it's all about "me."  

For a Type-A like me, the New Year often brings new goals & checklists.  As I’m reading these Scriptures now, I begin to wonder:

• How does someone start to not focus on themselves?
• How do I obtain what I truly need without focusing on myself?
• How do I rejuvenate, if I don't pursing the things I need for me?
• Should I pursue or cease from the necessary things?
• How should I embrace the things that give life?

I’m finding, it’s not about lists or goals.  It’s not about what I can do better.  It’s not about desiring to do greater things.  It’s not even about what Christ can do through me.  It’s about making Christ glorious—in the necessary things and the things that tend to “give life.”

So, I think the quote above needs to be adjusted… Because if I can do the dishes and make God look great, then I need to do the dishes.  Life will happen regardless of my internal attitude, but then it only becomes something necessary, not something that gives life.  Therefore, I’ll begin the New Year sans lists and resolutions, but instead hungry and thirsty for righteousness, in the necessary and in the rest. I can't often cease from what is necessary, but instead, I will “Embrace the necessary, since Christ gives life.”

I Could Play the Background

The past 3 weeks, I’ve been helping out with the high school drama.  I’ve been running lines with students during study hall, drama practice, and after school.  It’s been amazing to see their dedication and progression.  Many students wrote and performed monologues about tertiary characters.  I had to learn that tertiary characters are the background characters in stories.  For instance, one student was a “weak-minded storm trooper” from Star Wars.  Another student played the henchman, who was ready to fight Indiana Jones, but was shot without a fight.  Another student was one of the three triplets that swooned over Gaston in Beauty and the Beast.   The students performed wonderfully and the plot was tied together through a hilarious performance of the time-traveling Dr. Who and his companion Martha.  The characters bumble and grumble in an abandoned theatre, desiring the spotlight, dreaming one day of what they could become as primary characters.  The message of the show was revealed in the Lecrae song “Background.”  Not only was I impressed with the students’ ability to rap, but they had so much fun up there. The characters in the show began to realize that there is more to life than being in the spot light; that sometimes it’s better to be in the background: 

I could play the background

I could play the background

‘Cause I know sometimes I get in the way

So won’t you take the lead lead lead lead lead?

So won’t you take the lead lead lead lead lead?

I could play the background.

Students teach me so much.  They probably teach me more than I could ever teach them.  This is just one way that God has been speaking to me this semester.  He has indeed been speaking in “surround sound” about being the background. 

Last year, was a painful year of rooting out sin with constant… constant repentance.  The year before was all about transitions—understanding this place, my marriage, my friends, my job. 

This year, I think…it’s about consistently being reminded of God’s proper place in my life. 

God is allowing me to have amazing opportunities to share about Him.  I’ve seen three students come to Christ just in the last month.  I’ve seen relationships healed.  I’ve seen people learn from the hard lessons and grow closer to their God.  I’ve seen honesty and openness in my friendships and my marriage.  While working hard in my post-graduate work, I’m also playing the background and support for my husband who has much more work than I do.  I’ve been able to go on several school retreats …where things fail, which always reminds me that it’s not about what I am creating.  It’s not about the ambiance, the environment, the technology, or the games. 

It’s not about anything I do.  It’s not about me at all.  

And how cool is it that God still allows me to be a part of it.  I want that part to be the background.  My prayer is from Philippians 1, which we studied this week in the high school girls’ Bible study.  "Through my being with you agian, your boasting in Christ Jesus will abound..."  Does my being here abound peopel's boasting in Christ?  IS that my goal as I work with students, or sit next to my husband, or laugh with my friends?  What role do I play?... because I’m not the primary character.  I’m not even secondary. 

So, God, please take the lead! I want to play the background.